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"Random Brainfart"

Tuesday 2nd June 1998

It is amazing how when we find our true love something always manages to take that from us. Like we are not allowed to be happy or to have our true love. Love has lost its true meaning to many people. Not many people these days understand unconditional love. The love that we give no matter what or where or whom. The love that manifests itself deep in our hearts and does not leave us not matter what. No matter what violations, what lack of return or what circumstances arise around this. Amazing how when the other side gives you in you take your love and keep it to yourself, store it in a little place in your heart and memory and try your hardest to forget it. We think that we must let go for our own sakes. But it is always there. Some that we love leave us, leave us here alone in this big cruel world to carry on without them. We take their memory and commit it to the archives of our memory, hopefully where we will not have to live with it again until such a time as we can bear to live the memories again. These memories, though the good memories of our lives at times, hold so much pain in them that we run from them and try to hide but inside ourselves we know that they will never truly leave us.

Sometimes in life we find those that we truly love too and they turn away from us, push us away into the cold to bear our love for them on our own. We try our hardest to hate them for turning us away and leaving us out to the cold but you never truly can hate them no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise. Still, a broken heart is a broken heart. The character of Rose in the movie the Titanic makes a comment at the end, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets". It is not only a woman's heart in fact sometimes men hold more secrets than us women as men choose to run from what they hold inside more often because for some men admitting that they can love or admitting that they have feelings at all is admitting they are weak. But feelings are not weakness and in truth the strongest people are the ones who can face them and admit them. The ones of us who cannot admit we have feelings are the ones who will spend life as lonely people. We may have lots of friends and girlfriends\boyfriends but in our hearts so deep down inside ourselves we are alone because we will not let anyone near these deepest reaches of ourselves. Maybe it is in fear that someone may actually care, or maybe it is in fear of finding a release that we may one day loose.

I used to be too tough to admit that I had feelings. Everything that happened to me I tried to lock away inside a little box inside myself. I loved people but in truth I did not. Those that I did love, when they left me, I pushed so far down inside that no-one could touch it. In my own head and heart it in the end drove me crazy. Now I feel so totally alone. I finally let myself after many years to love again and now my fear has been justified and once again I must cut my losses. In the heart he took himself away from me. No matter what I will still love him but now I must do with him as I have with the others and put him into the archive of my heart and start over. If he came back I do not know how I would go. I think that I would be happy but that I would fear beyond anything that he would go again. This is one example of the statement "Every rose has its thorn". This is so true of love.

Some people drift apart and then they understand and see what they had when they were together and they have the best relationship based on this fact. When we first fall in love with someone it is half the time unconditional because in fact we do not really know each other. But as time goes on we get to know each other and things become expected. Then true love has to battle our expectancies. Life, before anything, should teach us a lesson about expectancies. In life we can only try to do our best and see what becomes of it. Are those of us who have planned their lives to the second for years to come truly happy? True that some of us are happy that way but when our lives have those little unexpected things then occasionally a little excitement pops up into our lives. I cry tears for so much love poured away into nothing. But sometimes the pots that we choose to pour our love into crack and our love just flows through the cracked pot and ends up like spilt milk that we end up crying over. So many times you hear the expression "Don't waste time crying over spilt milk". When things end, they end, but this does not mean that they end inside ourselves. Also the end of one thing is often the beginning of another. If we look at it that way it can help us pull through it and not loose all our faith though the best question I have is:

"Is it all really worth it?"

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